The intention behind this blog series is to shine a light on different family structures, ways in which both mums & dads, single mums, single dads, homosexual couples all connect with their little ones.

It is about how we do so with simplicity, elaborately or maybe how we don’t do it much at all and how we can work on it. I wanted to also shine a light on how we can also do the same with each other as a couple as well as ourselves as individuals.

Episode Three:

A beautiful life with TWO beautiful wives.  Introducing Zann and Shan, mamas to two divine daughters.  They home school, have varied passion projects between them,  but mostly they’re two mums leading with love & seeing where it takes them.

Name and Age: Zann Michaels, 34 Shan Michaels, 36

Children/Child/Infants Name and Age: Quin – 5 and Arlo – almost 3

Relationship status: Married

What do you do?

Zann – By day I work for Qld Health as the Manager of Integration and Engagement for a group of community hospitals. When not doing that, I work on my passion projects (My Big Gay Family/Wedding and Cubicle Creatives).

Shan – Household and family management
Chief Item Locator
Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations
…Stay at home parent
Sewer of all the things for my label Crazy Little Thing, and maker of capes and dress-up aprons for Way of the Cactus.

How has becoming a parent changed you?

Zann – This question was actually the toughest to answer. It has changed me in some ways, but not in others.

Our girls have taught us about autism, anxiety, sensory processing differences, and allergies. These are things we weren’t expecting but I’m definitely a better person and parent for understanding these topics.

But for us, as a two mum family, having kids was a very well thought out, planned and very much wanted process. We both come from big-ish families with lots of siblings (Shan is oldest of 4 and I’m second oldest of 5) and lots of nieces and nephews (our girls have 14 cousins, with two more on the way). We both had a realistic idea of what having kids would be like. So we had some experience, and lots of time to consider what kind of parents we wanted to be. We decided before we had Quin we would always be the parents they need us to be, and I think we’ve definitely done that so far, and will try to continue that.

For me one of the biggest learnings is actually that being a parent won’t change you. You are still you, and you’ll probably have the same desires and interests you had before you had kids. For example, I’m a huge extrovert and love to socialise. Although I talk with people all day at work, and then come home and talk with my family, I still need to factor in time to catch up with friends. It’s a part of me that needs to be refilled on a regular basis. It makes me happy, and that makes me a better partner and mama. So acknowledging that you will still need time and space to be you, and that’s ok, was a big learning for me.

Shan – I am a stay at home parent so parenthood has certainly changed my day-to-day life, as you can imagine, but I don’t think parenthood has changed me as a person, rather it has simply encouraged (sometimes forced!) a lot of personal growth. It has shown me time and again how strong I am, and to trust my intuition – as well as the phrase “this too shall pass”.

It has given me the confidence to stand up for my girls. I am an introvert but I have had to advocate for my daughter to health professionals and educators and I will do that for them now in ways I wouldn’t have done for myself before. I feel more empowered as a parent than I ever did before.

What do you do to connect with your little ones?

Zann – Play! As I work full time, I try to fit in some play or talk time with our girls before and after work, and on weekends we always try to go on an adventure together, even if it’s just locally. Our girls are very big into imaginary play and we’ll often be characters in those games. While our girls are very similar in some ways, they’re also quite different and we try to connect with them in ways they like. Quin likes us to play games where she decides which characters we are and it’s all very organised and pleasant. Arlo is a very physical kid so I find my time with her is often just being her climbing pole and letting her be rough and bouncy with me in a way she can’t be with others.

We also try to take long weekends and go away as regularly as we can. We just bought a camper trailer to make it even easier. Just recently we went away for Shan’s birthday and our anniversary and one of my friends asked if we were going away just the two of us. I don’t know if it will change when they’re teenagers, but my honest response was “no way! we love being all together as a family. these weekends away are our favourite!”
Shan – Well, I’m with the girls full time so I feel like every interaction is a connection but one special thing the girls and I do each week is “poetry tea time”. First thing on Monday I bake a treat and at morning tea time we set out our thrifted tea set on a picnic rug, put flowers in a vase and each choose a book. While the girls pour tea (which is actually water) and nibble their treat, I read. The girls look forward to our Mondays and always have different ideas about the set up and usually have specific reasons for choosing their books – they are happy, engaged and very chatty during our tea time. I think they feel quite a bit fancy.

How do you create present parenting within your home?

Zann – For me, being present can be the biggest struggle when I have a lot on at work. I’m really passionate about what I do in my career and so I can get very distracted by it. So I try hard to spend my drive home decompressing so when I walk in the door I’m mama again. I put my phone down on my desk at home and then focus on talking to my girls, and not just think about work.

Generally, I do the morning shift before work each day which usually involves getting our girls up and making them breakfast. We try to have breakfast all together most days so it gives us time to talk about what is coming up that day. I just try to really enjoy the time I have with them, by engaging in their conversations and being really interested in what they have to say.
Shan – I think the atmosphere in our home comes from our belief that children are people too. Our girls know that we will listen to their worries, opinions, input – just as Zann and I do with each other. We have certain boundaries and keep them safe of course but we do not consider ourselves “the boss”, if you know what I mean. In fact the only time we ever talk about being “the boss” is when we are talking to the girls about bodily autonomy (“your body belongs to you! you are the boss of your body!’) – which, to us, includes clothing, hair, food choices etc as well as the obvious stuff.

We talk a lot about feelings with our girls. We try to help them identify and label their feelings, talk about how they might make our bodies feel, etc. Our oldest daughter is autistic (aspie) and has social anxiety and it is important that she is aware of our day’s plans. As I am home with the girls it is usually me who prepares her for the day – we talk through play date/appointment/errand in terms of expectations and how she might feel and what she might say or do (ie sometimes she asks me for ideas for conversation with a friend) and what she could do if she felt anxious, etc. After the play date/appointment/errand is over we usually have a little debrief together before she has some quiet time to recover and re-energize.

I guess my point is that we do a lot of listening (to our girls, each other and our intuition) and talking (to our girls and each other) and that’s how we are trying to be a present family.

Do you connect with your partner regularly ie. Date night or day? At home or out?

We don’t really do date nights as a regular thing, as our routines tend to be very structured to meet the needs of our girls. For me, it’s more important that we connect constantly throughout every day. 9 years ago, when Shan and I first got together, I read this article that said couples who kiss at least 5 times a day were happier. It’s something that has always stuck with me because it’s a reminder that it’s the small moments of connection every day that matter most. It’s making sure we always say ‘good morning’ and have a moment of connection then, and then a proper ‘goodbye’ before work, and the same in the evening. Throughout the day we’ll always text each other to check in, and say “love you”.

Communication is a big thing, as they always say, and being able to listen and not jump straight to providing advice. I find Shan and I both often just need to download and talk. We don’t need solutions, just the opportunity to decompress. Personally, I definitely feel more connected and in love with Shan when she listens to me talk for 10 minutes straight, even if she has no idea who or what I’m talking about, knowing I just need to get it out.

A big ‘a-ha!’ moment for me came for me years ago when I read about the 5 love languages. It sounds a bit lame, but it was truly eye-opening for me. Shan and I have totally different love languages. Hers are ‘acts of service’ and ‘quality time’ and mine are ‘physical touch’ and ‘words of affirmation’. When I realised this, I saw how Shan was giving so much to me every day, but I wasn’t seeing it for what it was. Now I appreciate everything she does a lot more, especially all the little things.

As I said above, we also spend a lot of quality time together as a family. But when Shan and I have a moment of quiet at home, we’ll often work on our hobbies alongside each other. My computer and her sewing machine are next to each other in the loungeroom, so she’ll make something while I write. I love that – being able to make things together!

Do you connect with yourself regularly ie. Self care rituals?

Zann – As I said above, we both have hobbies and we support each other in these hobbies, which is really important. I think we both appreciate how important it is to do things that make you feel good, and give you time to think of something other than dinner menus and laundry.

I write and work on my creative projects. I also make things out of wood. I read a lot of articles online about various topics as I love to learn about everything. If I find time in my weeks to do these things, I’m a happy camper. And about every two to three months, I have a day out with my small group of friends where we go for lunch and drinks. That’s my hair-down day.

Shan walks in the mornings while listening to Harry Potter, and she is a self-taught sewing queen.

Any words of wisdom for those that are new to being a parent,ways in which they can connect with their little ones? Ways in which they can find time for themselves and each other?

Zann- My advice to every new parent is ‘whatever it takes.’ I don’t know of any parent who does/doesn’t do every single thing they said they would/wouldn’t do before they had kids. Just take it easy on yourself and find what works for you. You won’t want to do everything your kids want to do, but you’ll always be able to find some things you both enjoy. But also don’t beat yourself up for saying “I don’t really want to do that, why don’t we…” I think it’s important our kids learn that everyone likes different things and they know how to build relationships based on common interests.

Also, just let your kids be themselves and help them to be their best selves. Listen to what they’re saying (with words or actions) and help them to figure things out. Be their biggest advocate and supporter.

As for time for yourself and each other – you have to make it a priority. Many years ago, someone said to me “your partner has to be your priority when you have kids.” What they were saying was that when you have kids, they naturally become your number one priority, and it’s easy for you to lose focus on your relationship. It has to be a conscious effort to make time and space for your partner and your relationship. Keep your partner in mind and do little things that show you are thinking of them.

Shan- Parenthood constantly forces me to let go of my perfectionist ways, because parenting is not about perfection. But it is about love and kindness and trying again – it took me a while to realize that those things apply to everyone in the family, even me. We all fall short sometimes but tomorrow is a new day (as I tell myself).

Often when I read articles like this I can be left feeling like I’m not parenting as well as the family in the article, which is never the intention of the article of course. Just because we are present parents doesn’t mean we are perfect or always calm and positive. Our lives are just as chaotic and messy and exhausting as any other family’s – but our intentions are good. And if Zann or I ever lose our cool we always make sure we apologize and talk through our feelings no matter how emotional the moment might be because modeling is so important, and I believe these are the things that help us stay connected to our girls.

My advice to new parents always ends in a ramble of “trust your intuition”, “follow your baby’s lead” and “be kind to yourself” but I’m always very clear about one thing: buy a slow cooker. Because trying to cook meals during cactus hour is a stress best avoided. Best of luck!